TAKE A DEEP BREATH, FALL ASLEEP.

the three years here are over, this blog has seen me through the past three years, which have been eventful and at times trying. i'm now at http://melfunctioning.blogspot.com/

see ya on the other side, pixelz, i remember you fondly.

oooh... oh ok i get it. i understand completely and this will never end, right ?????

IT IS NOT WORTH MY EFFORT IN SPEAKING. I HATE BEING HERE. I HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS. IT'S ALL A CYCLE AND IT WILL COOL DOWN BUT WE'LL BE BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, STAY TUNED AMIGOS. WHY LIKE THIS? I CANNOT UNDERSTAND. ARE WE EASY OR IS THIS LIKE WHAT - !!??!!!!!? STOP IT LAH... STOP IT LAHHHH...

TODAY, I PLAN TO LEAVE HOME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. (BUT WHERE CAN I GO?)

(WE ARE ALL GOING NOWHERE)

i like packing my bag like i'm going somewhere. i used to take my passport every where i went. i don't do this any more. on saturday, i took along the DVD player, the stack of postcards, my notebook, pocketwatch, ipod (i wish it were my old mp3 or a walkman but you got to change with the times).



painted my nails with 1-year-old nail polish.

and then left, half guilty at not taking either ben or kodok. but i did not feel like having any company.

let the door click very very silently shut, so that ben wouldn't look up from his half-complete painting, turn and look at me from the table.





watched a video in a safe spot with a muffin.

"what's the difference between a cupcake and a muffin?" they asked (and they thought she couldn't answer).
"one's got icing on the top," she said.
they looked at each other, and considered this.
"and which one would that be?" they asked.
"cupcakes, surely," she said.

hit by the sudden urge to go to the beach.

a moth keeps flying about tonight, around mimi mostly. i like moths.

i am slightly sleepy.

suddenly realise how nice the word "kor" is, as in the word that chinese people use to address big brothers. it sounds really nice. and i don't mean the whiny sort like koRrRrRRrrrrRRrrrr. i mean like just properly.

anyway, 3.03AM and the moon says sleep, please. the stars disagree but the water is wide and the large orange fish is no more.

the harder i try to turn away from the past, the quicker it catches up with me. imagine thinking to yourself whoa man this is a whole new thing! and then you're thinking this could actually work and THEN! and THENNnnNNnnNnn... DO YOU KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING THAT IS? i keep having to fix things, redo things, reconsider my choices, wriggle out of situations. unrelated: i don't like meeting people from long ago. i hate knowing that now they've got a refreshed memory of what i look like and what i'm up to. i mostly manage to walk by largely invisible whenever i catch a familiar face, only very rarely am i recognised. it's not that i don't like them, i love them mostly, and as i walk by i remember all the things about them, but there's no telling how they are now, and maybe i'll like them more or maybe i'll find them annoying. but when i walk away from someone i only remember the good things so that can't be bad.

i don't like being about on the weekends. there are too many people and too much a chance of meeting someone i may know. i stick to the places where they may not be. but you can't stop coincidence, coincidence and i are familiar.

this was the first weekend in a VERY LONG TIME that i've had to myself to spend whatever way i fancy. it's been the best weekend in a long run, and also the worst. what -- i came home to find a video that MY OWN BROTHER POSTED AND TAGGED ME IN, and it's a very stupid video that has nothing to do with me and FROM WAY FUCKING LONG AGO. and then you ask yourself WHAT. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME. and don't even start on last night. i don't even know what to make of this weekend. the problem's with the nights. maybe it's the moon.

whatever. it's time to move on lah, why does every thing and every one choose the least opportune times to return to me? GO AWAY. i'm trying to look to what's ahead.

"how long you been away from home?" he asks
"two weeks" i say
"eighteen... two weeks..." he says, and we both drink our beers from the stupid paper cups with the clowns, and the automatic light in the kitchen goes off (we've been sitting here thirty minutes)

-what the hell, clowns, you'd think it were a five year old's birthday party. i swear temporary friends in temporary living spaces are my favourite things-

SAVE MY SOUL

When your heroes become less than heroes, it's time to move to someplace else. Here is not a staying place. Best to go while there's only good memories, the worst can be forgotten, and while possibly still wanting to return.

(What soul do you speak of, you have no soul!) I have no soul!

If you want to go east, don't go west.

I don't know why but I feel like I can't say what I want to in this space anymore, maybe it's time to quit using this blog, cut my tail (which is now a semi-ponytail), and keep on keeping on. What little and vague "plans" I had just a few months ago (and which carried me through the last leg of school) have been put on hold, but I know that they will happen. It's the time of the night where I get paranoid when I hear whispers coming from behind me, from the room. I hate this feeling, it makes me feel like I should be worried for the state of my mind. It's me in the corner. I'm supposed to cut my tail off, it's been three years. I don't plait it any more.

Tomorrow will be the first Saturday in about a year or so where I don't have anything to do. I wonder how I will spend it.

The rest of my life, I don't have anything to do. (I am committed to nothing, I don't want to be responsible for any thing or any one.) I wonder how I will spend it.

1987.
1987.
1987.
1987.

Words can not describe the split-second of heartbreak when I read 1987. This man is Ben's age. Stopped reading right there.

suddenly hit by an old thought (as in, from 1996 or so) as i was waiting for something to happen by the road in yew tee and watching all the people walk about, and i know it is a ridiculous thought but sometimes you look at people and it is so clear that they can't all be real, and if i'm the only real thing in this universe i can do whatever i want and i'll never actually screw up. and then you know once you have this thought, you go down this whole slippery slope and you know someone's going to just tell you after they hear about this that hey allo i'm real and i can think too. but that's just a lie cos they aren't real and they are just doing that so you get confused but NO YOU MUST STAY FOCUSED. and then you realise if everyone else is not real isn't that damn lonely. and it is. and why do i bother thinking what are these thoughts for and then you think ah daaaaaaaamnnnit. and perhaps if the whole world is a huge playground and i can't ever really come to any harm, then why am i bothering with so many things. and are there other universes and in each universe there is only one real person cos that means that there are a whole lot of lonely people floating about in little orbits or whatever you call it and they are all just thinking this thought and being lonely but i can't reach them to say allo biiingo you're right in your world i'm not real and maybe we passed each other on the street but you wouldn't know i was thinking this because it's just an image where you are, and you're just an image crossing the street in yew tee today (that's why nothing happened in the three seconds you put your life on the line standing in the middle of the road two seconds away from the speeding car). i have many things to say but i don't know how to say them and i am struggling to hold on to some thoughts because i don't want to forget in case i can make sense of them but i think i will forget when i go to sleep which is why i don't sleep on some nights because these thoughts become precious right about 3AM and i live for that moment where everything is clear and i feel so damn happy for no reason and then it disappears just as quick and then it's back to normality. you know when you reach into your history and try to find the root of the problem and you really can't find any reason why you may be the way you are, whoa man you're really crazy. i don't know if there's anything wrong with me but i hate the way my head works nowadays and i really cannot help it. and really. get a grip lah. CUCKOO. this is not the time for weakness. do you have a cold? no i'm crying. yah i'm joking, i'm always joking. are you afraid of sleeping? the other night i dreamed there was a counter in the wall and i could buy tickets from it that went to london by some sort of train (in my head i was imagining an MRT, for some reason), and i kept going there but every time i went there someone would whisk me away from the counter just as it came into view, with excuses like i need to show you this, or you've got to see this, or i would have to read some map. why keep me from the damn counter! but i didn't feel disappointed or anything but i want to know what the ticket looked like, and i've never seen london, so it would have been nice even if it were a lie and the counter didn't actually sell tickets to london by some high-speed rail or whatever. i woke up at 2PM after that dream, and i know that mickey mouse and goofy were somehow involved in the final attempt at distracting me on my last attempted visit to the counter. after that i was convinced that maybe if i asked the MRT guy in the control room for a single-trip ticket to london he may smile, say CONGRATULATIONS YOU FOUND US! HERE, HAVE THE TICKETS, THEY ARE YOURS! THE TRAIN AWAITS YOU JUST THROUGH THAT MANHOLE. do you know how stupid it is that we fancy ourselves as friends even though the closest we get now is an inch apart, pixellated, in different windows on a computer screen? also ah... god ah, if you ever intend to make me pretty, i think now would be a good time. i can't believe i'm actually asking, isn't that pathetic enough to warrant some sympathy? allllloooo god can you hear me or are you also in some universe on your own thinking these thoughts and typing it on your godblog. maybe i'm god in your universe. i'm sorry, was that blasphemy? i really didn't mean it in a bad way. high-five, man. once again, amigo, all my friends are made of pixels. (all your sins are forgiven.)

chancing upon an empty fun fair in the middle of nowhere in the dead of the night is like a dream, or a horror movie, or something i did just last night.

waking up and deciding, "let's go somewhere" and buying air tickets to fly tomorrow? this is something i did just this afternoon. i'm taking lil pudge along, who of course is all too happy to be missing a few days of school (i hear a massive sports event is scheduled for the coming week, which he desperately wants to miss, and i suppose this is why he's so enthusiastic!) we have less than 20 hours to be a'packing!

Everyone just wants something to cry about, some kind of sad backstory that romanticises their life or something, or some made-up rough patches that up their imaginary street cred. Make themselves sound like some kind of tortured souls.

Don't you hate that? Shut up! Your fantasies don't cut it lah! ALLOOOO. Is just sound kinda stupid, is all. Kinda? Nooooo is VEH. VEH VEH STUPID, VEH VEH CUCKOO. The best mischief is kept secret. And sorrow, if out in the open, is no longer sacred. And the people who really have those scars most definitely don't want to be reminded by someone who thinks it's badass to make these things up. Whoaaa man, is cuckoo.

Unrelatedly, I love Edie Sedgwick.

(All my mischief and all my loss, few and far between as they may be, are shades of violet.)

Further unrelated thought, i am reading my final bookpub submission from one semester ago, and i don't really know what to feel. Let's get this month over with quick.

Gooooooda mornzie!

First week of REAL No-Responsibility-No-Obligations-No-Anything WHOAAAAA

Looking forward to Thursday, i hope i wake up in time.
Is it most annoying to reply to emails with a singular LOL???????? Font size 999, bold, underlined, red?

Heehee... I hate "lol" but...

Maybe just ^_^ will suffice? Hmm...

Orrr the most cuckoo reply: ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I HAVE CONVERTED MY PSLE CERTIFICATE TO A DIPLOMARHHHHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHH. VEH GOOD LEH. THIS WAS MY MIND FOR MOST OF THE LAST 2 YEARS: QUIT- DON'T QUIT - QUIT - DON'T QUIT - QUIT - DON'T QUIT. THIS IS MY MIND NOW: WHOAAAA GRADUAAATEEEE.

WHATEVER, TIS CUCKOO.

proud to say that with some help from benji's old edusave(?) account (largely untouched!), i've paid for these three years of school on my own!

I JUST WOKE UP FROM VERY EPIC 12-HOUR SLEEP. HAHAHHAHAHAHA.

I WENT FROM THE COLUMBARIUM TO DRINKS AT BLUJAZ YESTERDAY, TWO VERY DIFFERENT PLACES, WHICH IS STRANGE BUT GOOD. NOW I HAVE ANOTHER REASON TO REMEMBER THE DATE. It was one day after the full moon night last night. Also, in 2008, today was the day i quit school. Strange combination of anniversaries.

EH SO ... NOW THAT IT'S DARK... ... ... AIYAH.

WHERE'S MY PHONE AH.

(this post was given its title by benji, who's getting really good at typing with accurate spacing and spelling!)

This was the best sun I've walked in in about five months! Everything was perfect and everything felt safe! And all I had to do was walk on, or stay there and gawk. I stared at it for a long time, and I'm probably linking too much to it, but February 18 is tomorrow, the rest of forever is now, and I don't really know what to do with forever. The sun almost disappeared because the little hole in the cloud donut was closing up (hey!) so I took a picture with my phone.

For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Eisenhower

Woke up this morning with this singular word very very clear in my head. Carried it with me for awhile and then forgot it, and now, upon remembering, Googled it to find ...

Dwight David "Ike" Eisenhower was a five-star general in the United States Army and the 34th President of the United States, from 1953 until 1961.

Alright, duly noted.

Now we can all proceed with life as before.

In about 25 hours and 51 minutes, I will be getting up, saying goodbye, and leaving this building! (In other words, I also sort of graduate from school. Only, it's not really over, there is a report to be written, conversations to be had, weeks to wait till it's official, but this is possible, of course.)

If anything, this has been a safe place to hide in for 8 hours a few days a week, grow the tail out (it has evolved into a lesser form of a ponytail), and ... watch how people over the age of 25 operate. Also, every person I see who's about 24... 25 ... 29, I imagine them as Ben, or Ben as them, and I suppose it doesn't make any much difference.

I hate It-could've / should've / would've / must've-been's so ... will strive to tread as recklessly as I can in the months/years to come to make up for the misdeeds-gone-undone I've chalked up.

so, world, what's up on your side?

(i'm suddenly overcome with a very strong urge to be an astronaut. or at least, to be in space. no need to be an astronaut, just in space. people on earth are just one disappointment after another. i don't know, i started off really happy this morning for no reason, but somehow spiralled into this ... strange place. i don't even know where i crossed the line from happy to mildly depressed. this is stupid. if you're stupid and you know it clap your hands! :D HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. what the hell,)

HERE, TAKE THIS COMMA!


by the powers of this comma, your life has paused and may never resume




i like butterflies, but i love moths. you know what they say about moths.

over the past few days i've come to this page, filled it with some words-that-mean-nothing, cmd+a, delete. i have so many things i want to say, or i don't know how to say, or i don't want heard. and once again i'm faced with choices and i'm very very afraid of making the same mistake of choosing under the influence. three years ago, i probably wasn't ready, so maybe last-minute decisions turned out for the best. right now, c'mon, there's only so long you can put things off for, and there are promises to be kept, and people to gloriously let down. (also, a life to be lived while it lasts, and time to waste doing nothing in particular.)


anyway...

old things hold true...

------

24 September 2010 @ 07:54 pm
This whole thing is a fucking game and i know the cheats and i know the right combination of keys and i know that to win it you've got to pick the right characters or avatars or whatever and keep em happy but i'm pushing the wrong keys, choosing wrongly. Doing it with my eyes open. Just for the sake of defiance. Just so i know i'm not listening to people i don't like or don't agree with. Are these morals? I don't have opinions. I'm unthinking. Damn. What a pointless existence. I don't even know what i look like, who i talk like, why i choose the way i do. I just want to sit here and wait for the morning. I don't want to go to work. I want to smell the after-rain. The grass is great.


------

11 February 2011 @ 11:08 PM

NOTHING'S CHANGED. Probably never will.

you could debate forever in your head and never come to any decision. you could torture yourself with but's and if's, but all it takes is for the moment to arrive. there is a pause. and then you know everything you ever want to. it is decided, then. we know too many things without actually knowing that we know them! this sucks, but only slightly. "i don't know" is the best answer most of the time, i think. i'm always thinking, never knowing for sure. this also sucks slightly.

the word "suck" makes me
think of huckleberry finn
... never read the book!

"whatever you want, just do it" must be the most eloquent advice i've gleaned from the human time-capsules that i so often associate with nowadays. but it's such difficult instruction. what if you don't even know what you want!

okay i've sorted it out. now, i want a canoe and a lake. not the sea, but a lake. not a reservoir, either. a lake! i will get there! will pick a month and day later, out from the matryoshka-of-luck-and-strange-predictions.

tonight seems a good night to fall asleep at 9PM. perhaps!

i just missed what was surely the most glorious day of the year (so far) to laze about in bed and wake up at a ridiculous time in the afternoon/evening.

so i was at work, till 4. then i traipsed through the streets of singapore till nightfall and then somehow found my way home when i felt like it. it was still raining. (it never actually properly stopped raining.)

and i don't know what else i did, but time passed anyway and so it's a new day(?!!??!?!?!) now. midnight's left and taken the rain with it. so there will be no rain to lull me to sleep. i love showers at strange hours. nobody's awake, the world is all mine. i don't have to talk to anybody, and i don't have to think unless i really want to.

i want to feel something but i really can't think of what i should feel.

i want to do something but there's nothing to do (well there is but i don't really want to move from this spot)

i just want to hug my frog and sleep. i don't dream anymore. the last dream was the one about the giant turtle and the old purple man.

oh yeah but i vaguely remember dreaming about moths a few nights ago. there were many small moths, flying into my palm, and then away. i could see the date that this moth phenomenon was occuring, too. february 18 - it's accurate, at least. for the second time, my life will change on this day. it's been 14 years! i was six, and in kindergarten, and delivering news from the playground swing. they all bought my story. there went my 15 minutes of fame.

ben tells me about blue balloons.

this is not the time for blue balloons!


•♥

I am a millionaire.
My bedroom is full of gold
light, of the sun’s jewellery.
What shall I do with this wealth?

"Ohh so you're Melissa! Hahaha. I dreamt of that name last night."

You did, did you? Was it a nightmare?

I don't like it when people laugh ALL THE TIME at NOTHING IN PARTICULAR. Is the world that funny? Yes. Do you have to laugh at it? No. The world laughs at you.

It's so sunny out and ... and ... WHY IS THIS SO! I haven't felt the sun in quite some time. Not enough of it, anyway.

Also, sleep.

When telling a lie, careful attention must be paid to the details.

Research underway! Every lie is elaborate.

EVERY BODY, EVERY THING, STOP MOVING! STOP MOVING! STOP MAKING SOUNDS! BE STILL! BE STILL AND SILENT! I CAN HEAR YOU! YEAH I SAW YOU MOVE! STOP IT! STOP IT!
NUTELLA: QUELLING FEARS SINCE GOD KNOWS WHEN. 1940s?

NUTELLA: QUELLING FEARS AND BRINGING ON NEW ONES.

STOP, EVERYBODY!

I WANT TO SLEEP, THERE'S NOTHING TO DO, I'M COMPLETELY FREE TOMORROW, I HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES TO ATTEND TO, AT ALL! (AN AMAZING THING!)

BEER & BEACH?

WHAT!
WHAT!!!

LIST OF THINGS TO DO: SLEEP.

IT'S 2.26. WHAT THE NUT IS THIS! STOP, CLOCK! STOP!

been awhile since i slept on the sofa, half-eaten sandwich in hand, cup of milo (thankfull already drunk) balanced on my knees, only to wake up to the entire family in different states of getting-ready-for-the-day, all paying me no heed.

mimi's in the shower for one minute too long. i have no illusions about having a shower anytime in the near future.

sofa it shall be!

/EDIT: MIMI JUST CAME OUT OF SAID SHOWER, WHINING "MELLLLLL OHHHH WHAT AM I TO DO!!!!!! :( :( " and now i REALLLLLY don't want to know what's going on.

opening the door to home is a strange thing. tonight it wasn't such a good idea, if not for the pie. should've stuck it out a little later.

ending yet another day in an awkward manner. the only consolation: it isn't long more till tomorrow. 31 last minutes of 23 January, i'm counting on every single one of you to pass quickly and uneventfully.

tomorrows are always inviting, and rarely demanding. convenient excuses, i like them. would like them more if they took their time and never quite arrived.

responsibility, sensibility, everythingability, be gone!

A man flies a kite made of 110 Tukkal or paper lanterns for the Hindu festival of "Makar Sankranti", which marks the start of spring, in the western Indian city of Ahmedabad, January 13, 2011.   REUTERS/Amit Dave

With almost a month to the day, i've begun going about things with an element of finality. I keep counting the 'last' of things: last concession pass, last candle, last ride on this bus service, everything! Earned some money today, and spent most of it on the concession pass, then wondered why i did that. But it'll last a month, and finish off neatly on February 17, i thought, and so it was okay. The bus captain said my hair's grown longer, which must mean that many months have passed, and they have.

I'm sure i saw the Bum of Boon Lay last night while walking home, the only friend i've made in our three years in this neighbourhood. Not even a proper friend, but in that 15 minutes of conversation, i think we were friends. He looked a good deal younger and I don't know for sure, but would like to think it was him. Still on the run, i suppose, from life and expectations. His name was Chris, but he could be a Mark or a Paul by now, who knows. Who needs a permanent name, anyway.

Every two seconds things could go this way or that, and somehow i've walked through this many years largely unscathed. Sometimes i wonder who's shielding me. How did i get here, and how long is there to go?  12.34AM. Monday, work-day.  Afraid to go to sleep. Tempted to walk to work now, take a shower there, sit by the lake in a cloud of smoke and dew till the sky turns 7AM-blue, and turn up at 7.59AM.

Is it pathetic that my biggest wish now is to sit on the roof of some HDB block? Is it more pathetic that i've never done that in my life? Time for milo ice-cream, it seems.

Gimme a roof now, i like roofs, and i want to fly a kite. Yarh... is all.

Why isn't the plural of roof ''rooves''? Sure looks nice.

EVERY TIME I WANT TO DO SOMETHING DESTRUCTIVE, THE TOOLS FOR DESTRUCTION ARE NOT WITHIN REACH.

WHO IS SAVING ME FROM THIS ALL.

SOMETHING'S GOING ON.

looked at the sked today and wow. January will soon be past, and half of february will hasten after it! Looking at my last few february days, ... They are negligible. I'm literally only working only one week of february. I haven't yet decided how to spend my chinese new year. I haven't sorted out the mess that is my den, i haven't given a proper thought to what happens next. It's easy, actually, there are two ways to proceed- get a job, or, failing this, gather funds for a one-way ticket to a small town. More likely the latter, i suspect, because i will "never make it in any local company"- i "value autonomy highly"... some of the things teachers tell me ah... yah don't romanticise my inability to commit and my lousy purposelessness. In the town, I will spend three weeks of solitude by the beach, explore some forests, find a place to stay, have candlelight dinners with my shadow in a tent, then, when at last i run out of means to fuel my irresponsible and unworthy existence, i will work at the ice cream parlour, buy an old motorcycle, some fuel, and some new dreams. I wish i could play some portable instrument, or sing, things may be more glamorous. What if this is the oldest i'll ever get? There is no time to waste. I fear this every damn day, and every single night. The sky will be filled with stars, where i'm going, and the nights will outlive the days.
Everybody's asking me what happens next, what are my plans? What if i told them this?

"sex and drugggss and rock and rollll....... sex and druggss and rock and rollll!!!!" someone is singing this as he bestows gifts of chocolate-wrapped-in-golden-paper upon us in the office.

the first sound that escaped my mouth this morning was an unintelligible garbled whinge of semi-defiance and part-resignation.

set to be a good year, i suppose. can't get any worse!

I WILL BE 20 THIS YEAR... how's that even possible?! i thought about this when i was 9 in 2001, and i thought wow 2011 should be cool, if i can get there. well i'm here and my thoughts now are: wow, 2021 looks cool, if we make it.

2011 and the age '20' are shades of yellow.

'30' is blue.

i can't see beyond today, though.

while helping me clear the den, my sisters may have discarded the envelope which contained my unopened results slips from school, thereby confirming that university and the like will not be in the works *\o/* the only downside to this possible mistake is that i NEVER GOT TO TEAR THE PERFORATED SIDES OF THOSE RESULT SLIPS :( :( :( AND WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GAZE UPON MY GRADES IN INK :) :) :) 

there is still a possibility that the envelope is sitting somewhere in a stack of somethings. we must not count our ducklings before they hatch, those ugly ducklings <3

... i really was quite looking forward to tearing the perforated sides of those pathetic slips sometime ten years from now. damn.

2 hours 48 minutes down, many more seconds to go.

sunday, sunday.

as much as i hate schools, i wish someone would let me give the graduation speech. wouldn't it be fun? then again, i don't intend to attend graduation, at least not now i don't. because: would i even be on time? do i really want to mark the end of my education by knowing that i'm just one of many? nah. no, i don't. everywhere you go, you become the average. no damn way i'm going to remind myself that! plus, i'm not all that fond of ... anything ...

If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again,
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much,
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.

*\o/* The way I feel now.

what is this space on my wrist that looks so empty but feels so complete?
is this where my watch should be?
what is a watch, my friend, what is a watch?

i hope that everything i know now isn't just a phase that everyone goes through, and that i must too, and that i'll one day forget. why care if it's only for-the-moment? there is only one word that can succinctly yet eloquently summarise my thoughts: aiyah.

so what happens now ah?

what the nut they're playing the strawberry shortcake theme song now. it's been years. and how many more to go?!?!

if this morning is anything to go by, everything that could possibly hinder a smooth passage through today WILL happen. Damnit. The most annoying thing is this: i really want to trim my fingernails but have no suitable sharp object to do the job.

Everyone thinks everyone has it easier, and everyone thinks everyone else is lying.

My toaster caught fire. True story!

My pet monkey sat in the shower and refused to let anyone take a shower.

My brother is my brother.

5 fun ways of commuting to work (tardiness guaranteed):
1. Ride african elephant, with much fanfare
2. Hitch-hike (however, i've tried and failed)
3. Teleport
4. Say 10 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers and hope for divine intervention.
5. Walk.

Of course, only try if already definitely never going to be on time.
Worth every disapproving stare.

This is how to tell a lie: flippantly and without guilt.

lots of time and nothing to do: this is all i want right now.
preferably in a quiet dark place only big enough for one.

7.13 in the morning, drinking mug of honey, feeling like a bear! 7.13 is a good place to be, after waking up at 5.30, 5.35, 5.42, and every 5 minutes after, thinking "what am i doing? i can sleeeep in damnit!"

the news on the doorstep, and then again news at work, but i'm happily unaware!

this is a good place to be!

11.11 approacheth! the moment that dreamers (or wannabe dreamers) start wishing for ridiculous things that they know they will never see the likes of. bah, humbug! (in the spirit of christmas, i'll take a leaf out of scrooge's book) you can wish for all the things you want, but whatever you get, you get, and there's no changing anything. whatever you do, it doesn't matter, whatever you want, it doesn't count. anything and everything's already all planned. no matter how much you try, nothing's going to budge. your future's set in stone, and your footprints spread out in front of you. all you have to do is set your foot squarely in the middle of each one, and you'll be led to the future that was meant to be yours from the second you were born - wait, from the second before you were born. wait a minute, before your parents were even named. everything is done. we just have to pass docilely through the minutes and seconds till we run out of them. every now and then, there comes something that suddenly casts this huge light over the dingy corners of my mind and suddenly everything's okay and everything's right and correct and meant-to-be, shouldn't-change-a-thing, right-in-its-place. (now is not such a time, but every time it happens, i remember it and understand it for that fraction of a second and it's all good - but all good things must end, you see)

take what comes and go where it takes you, right? somewhere ahead, it will make sense?

hope and dreams are pathetic. pluck them from the air half a second before you act on them, that's the way, i think.

i hear voices with increasing frequency lately, but the ones that annoy me most don't happen to be disembodied. i hate it when girls push their voices an octave higher and speak with that stupid little lilt and trill ... like really, i don't use this emoticon but here you go, this is what i feel like doing -->  (-.-) damn, girl, what the nut are you doing?! do you think it makes you cute or attractive or WHATEVER? do you think you'll somehow win their hearts and approval and favour? what the nuuuut. annoying number 2: i hate hearing forced accents. what the nut are you doing? in what way does someone's appearance somehow warrant that stupid attempt at altering your voice?! damnnn... really, shut up. i don't even know what my voice sounds like, to be honest. it feels loose and strange, like an instrument you've either played too much and now forgotten how to properly control, or like an instrument that you haven't ever played before, and have no idea how to handle. but either way, every time i bother using my voice to communicate, i don't try to emulate someone else's voice! sometimes i have to resist standing up and hurling a peeled papaya at them. okay that was strange! what the nut, peeled papaya... and why the nut papaya... hahaha!!! but really i normally have peeled papayas on hand whenever these situations arise. damn, papayas.. haven't eaten a papaya in a long while.

6.06 A.M. AND I LIVE FOR THE PRE-DAWN, BREAKFAST IS A DAINTY THING. MUCH TINKERING IN THE KITCHEN. QUITE DECENT. WONDER WHO WILL HAVE THE HONOUR OF BEING THE FIRST HUMAN I LAY EYES ON TODAY.

WEDNESDAY. 6.07 A.M. 17 NOVEMBER. PUBLIC HOLIDAY. WORKING.

I'M BEING FOLLOWED BY A MOONSHADOW! MOONSHADOW, MOONSHADOW! IF I EVER LOSE MY EYES, IF MY COLOURS ALL RUN DRY, IF I EVER LOSE MY EYES, I WON'T HAVE TO CRY NO MORE! IF I EVER LOSE MY MOUTH, ALL MY TEETH, NORTH AND SOUTH, IF I EVER LOSE MY MOUTH, I WON'T HAVE TO TALK...

DID IT TAKE LONG TO FIND ME, I ASK THE FAITHFUL LIGHT! DID IT TAKE LONG TO FIND ME? AND ARE YOU GOING TO STAY THE NIGHT?

SKY STILL DARK, BUT I CAN FEEL THE FIRST LIGHT CREEP UP UPON ME.

I DREAD THE LIGHT. IT MEANS RESPONSIBILITY, IT MEANS HURRYING-TO-BE-ON-TIME, IT MEANS FACING THE REST OF THE WORLD AND MATCHING UP (WHO TO, I NEVER REALLY FIGURED OUT).

This is the end of one of the more rotten days of the year. *lo/* 2 MINUTES TO THE END OF 16 NOVEMBER. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, though, so ... I won't speaka too soon.

All I want is for someone to tell me: This is who you are, this is where you're going, this is what you will be,
and this is where it will end.

Midnight mocks me, every night!

if you see how quick water drips down a life line, following the grooves and speeding to the end of your palm, disappearing off the edge, you realise how short it is, and you realise how stupidly you're spending it. yeah, i am silly enough to seek comfort in imagining that my future is already pre-planned and written into my palm. i can pretend that all i have to do is live through it and take things as they come.

everyone judges things based on their own experience. every judgement call is -should be- subjective. there is no black and white, right, because there can't be, it's not possible. look at the damned context, won't you? you can't look at something and make assumptions and think that you understand. you don't understand, nobody understands anybody. "that's stupid. do you know how stupid they are? how can they do that? what the hell are they doing with their lives," i hear this all the time. i can't comment, what the hell am i doing with my life too. i want to live immorally, and yeah i'll take all the consequences as they come. after all, consequences always befall you whether you deserve it or not. damned if you do, damned if you don't, and they don't see it either way. i live in a monochrome photograph and it's pathetic and there is nothing i can do about it.

i really want to help, and i really want to give everyone things and do nice things for them but they're making this increasingly difficult. i can't do things if i don't fully mean it. i know that they may not remember me kindly but whateverrrrrr.

christmas songs annoy me, i hate them.

this body believes that it is crazy. out-of-its-brain-insane. incapable of responsibility, surely going to end up nowhere, always wasting time living in denial, never achieving anything, wanting to want nothing, and being pathetic enough to fail at even that.

do you wear boxers to school
19:44:03
one day you will forget and you will forget to get pants over the boxers
and walk sleepily to school just like that
wah good
that will be a good day
19:44:20
you will call me in embarrassment (i hope you will remember to do this)
19:44:31
and then you will think wah damnit nevermind just suck it up and live through the day
the reason why you are not running home is because you have an exam
19:44:45
a big exam that you studied hard for
and so you cannot miss it
you will take the exam in embarrassing boxers
19:44:59
and try not to let them distract you
i will like it if you could call me after that exam
19:45:09
it would be funny
and would quite make my day
whatever i'm doing
i will stop it
19:45:20
to answer the phone
and listen to your embarrassment
i will like that very much
19:45:32
i thank thee in advance!




- a conversation on ebuddy. realise how stupid it is. a monologue. please make this happen on the worst day of my life.

to whom it may concern:

this is what i want you to do. take note.

i want you to wake up on the morning of the anniversary of our meeting (or of our parting, it does not matter), and feel compelled to send me an sms. and you will, and i will not read it (for i will still be asleep, having stayed awake to unthinkable hours communicating with the dubious folk that lurk online - you will not know this, for you think that i'm virtuous), but you will send it anyway, trusting that it will get to me sometime. of course, i will read it, perhaps at 1.45 in the afternoon, the first thing i do when i manage to force my eyes open for long enough to locate my phone. (there would also be 6 missed calls or so... only that much you can bother before giving up.) i want your message to be an invitation. i will then weigh the value of our temporary relationship for a few hours... to meet or not to meet? i will consider my reflection in the glass of the bowl on the table and i will think of how i used to look when we last met: ugly, no doubt, but i will remember that you were kind with your words. i remember you fondly for that, you may not remember. you wouldn't know me if we met on the street, or perhaps you would. what difference would it matter? i will eventually decide to reply to your sms, late as always - i apologise in advance. i will meet you, no matter how delayed. it will be dark by the time we meet. it may rain, and we will have one umbrella, or none. we may ask for one, from a passing stranger. but it won't do much good, will it? we'll give it to someone else. if it doesn't rain, or even if it does, we will find ourselves on a rooftop surveying the buildings in the distance and the street - which will not be as quiet as it was the last time we'd looked to the ground from the top of a building. we will fall asleep on a sofa while watching a boring movie regarding the natural habitat of the Cacatua Vieillot, and we will awake to find that neither of us were there at all, and that nothing but everything had changed.

do you think this is the way it goes - we just live in a circle of sorts, and you are taking the same missteps as i will, and she was just as misguided?

i hope i don't pass it on, this is terrible.

unrelated: "it was due last week" --> this singular phrase redefines my night for tomorrow, not that i had anything planned. no, nothing is planned for tomorrow night or the nights that follow.



everything could be a different way.

our friendship, it is over. all goodwill is withdrawn. civility - there will be none. there will be no pain in parting, i will retain no bad memories, so you need not fear. "where are they?" they will ask. "don't know" i will answer.

i will join a travelling circus, or find some way to remain preoccupied. my thoughts will not drift. i will think only of the future - i will think of nothing. (this is something i haven't done before. i am always in the past.) our gazes will meet in 10 years' time, across a strange undecipherable space, and you will not recognise me, but i will count the number of people in your party and i will know that they are you. i will account for missing members with fiction in my mind, and i will convince myself that i made the right choice, and that i caused no trouble and left no scars.

this cannot go on! nights cannot end this way, and mornings cannot begin as such. any mode of transport is welcome.

there's a life across the river that was meant for me, instead i live my life in constant misery-

truth, that is how i feel (have been feeling) now, and for awhile now.

damn you, damn you, get out of my memory. out, damned thoughts!

every good thing ends prematurely, and the could-have-been's laugh in your face.

i've had to pick from too many forks in the road. SO MANY CHOICES... HOW THE NUT TO CHOOSE? every step, and there lies a new choice?!?!1 what the hell. i need to choose blindly. there is no time to think -

in happier moments, i have discovered that skype on the ipod is AMAZING. you can ACTUALLY HEAR PEOPLE LIKE IT'S A PHONE CALL?!?!??!?!?!!!! DAMNIT. I BET THIS WAS COMMON KNOWLEDGE TO EVERYONE BUT ME.

right now, i really want to laugh, and i really want to cry, and i am living for those moments of catharsis. isn't this quite stupid? isn't everything quite stupid! don't you hate it?

"whatever you want, i will build it!" --> best thing!